Growth & Grace

Wesley Knight 0:00
This is a KU n b Studio's original program. The following program is underwritten by Crawford management group and Chris glow and does not reflect the views or opinions of 91.5 Jaz and Moore the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, or the Board of Regents of the Nevada System of Higher Education even

Music 0:18
better than I was the last time, baby. We back and

we back and we back and we back and we back and we back. And I was the last do better than I

Leaha Crawford 0:42
was the last time. Hey, hey, hey, good morning, Las Vegas. Hey, Julian. How are you cutting me off? I'm all in my sentence. This is Leah Crawford, and you are

Julian Rosado 0:54
Julian.

Leaha Crawford 0:57
I love you. Hey, Julian. How was I mean? I watched the games, and I watched the Knicks, oh, M, G, they

Julian Rosado 1:05
were waiting for that.

Leaha Crawford 1:06
They were waiting. Yeah, that was a star studded audience. Yeah. I was sitting. I was like, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, you weren't there. So everybody wasn't there. How was your week, though,

Julian Rosado 1:18
waiting for that game. That's waiting for that game. Yeah, that was, that was they seem like they lost

Leaha Crawford 1:26
game six on purpose, just so they could bring it back to New York. They just wanted to finish it.

Julian Rosado 1:31
Feel like the commissioner told him, Hey, just just lose his game. It'll be good for

Leaha Crawford 1:37
ratings. That's good. All right, so today, we have a very special guest in the studio with us. We

Julian Rosado 1:43
have a Tiffany Garner, yeah. Doctor, I'm sorry. Doctor, I apologize. Dr, Tiffany Gardner. Dr,

Leaha Crawford 1:49
Tiffany Tyler Garner, I use you. Keep on leaving out the Tyler too. Dr, Tiffany Tyler Garner, she's in here because she has a new book. I can't Julian, I can't see the journey forward. It's the journey forward. You have the journey forward. Good morning, four. It says four seasons of reflections. I love it. Thanks. Good morning. Dr

Dr. Tiffany Tyler-Garner 2:09
Tyler, good morning. How are you ecstatic to be here? I'm ecstatic

Leaha Crawford 2:13
to have you here. You just I, I love her. Her energy is amazing. And when I saw the book, I thought it would be awesome for you to tell us your story first before we jump into the book. Who is dr, who is who is Tiffany?

Dr. Tiffany Tyler-Garner 2:29
Who is Tiffany? That's a question I've had a lot of practice over the last year discovering and unpacking Yes. And so there are the titles or things that were handed to me, like mother or wife. And then there is the journey of discovering who I am in the absence of anything that I do. And so some new some new things is, Tiffany is happening. Okay? Tiffany's at peace. Tiffany is seeks joy in her daily life and resist the temptation to get down in the mud with anybody.

Leaha Crawford 3:08
You need to say that one again, resist the temptation

Dr. Tiffany Tyler-Garner 3:11
to get down in the mud with anybody. Okay, so

Leaha Crawford 3:16
what got you there, though? How did you finally get to the fact that you can even say some of these titles were handed to me, but who I am is something that's evolving. Yeah, just get there.

Dr. Tiffany Tyler-Garner 3:30
I would say last year I began the year just absolutely exhausted, and I realized that things that I was carrying weren't physical things, it was the other people's stuff, some of my stuff, some stuff that I didn't even have a sense of what the stuff was, but I was holding on to it, whether it was generational pathology or just the climate we were living in. I had finally gotten to a place where I was like, I cannot take another step, and I cannot take it because of what I'm carrying, whether it was the the fear or the pressure of leading as a black woman or being a mother of Black Sons, or like literally praying every day as my husband went out into the world and tried to grow his business. I'm like, There's got to be more than life than managing the worst case scenario every day. There's got to be more than, uh, it has

Leaha Crawford 4:32
to be. It has to be. So what were the steps that you started to take to unpack that? Well,

Dr. Tiffany Tyler-Garner 4:40
one was I made the bold declaration that I will not spend another year making new year's resolutions and not keeping them. I literally had to ask myself, how is it that I will go above and beyond to meet everyone else's need? But I don't keep my word to myself, and so last year I. Decided not to make New Year's resolutions. I committed to a year of reflection where I said any and everything that comes up, instead of just venting or complaining about it and then tucking it back tucking it back in, I am going to do the work of truly processing it, which means, and this was something I learned in this great woman's group that someone had last year that invited me. She was like, when we are, when we process, when something is processed, it is transformed, or you get to resolution. So if I'm just talking about it, but I'm no different afterward, well, if I'm no no more resolved than I was when I brought it up, then there's more work to be done. And so it was really a commitment to doing that work.

Leaha Crawford 5:46
And then that changes. It changes the work changes, yeah,

Dr. Tiffany Tyler-Garner 5:51
with every season, with every season, and that's okay. It's supposed to Yeah. It's like, I discovered that, instead of it just being a marathon that I had been skipping, the fact that in some ways, it's a relay race. So there I was at the waiting for the starting gun to go off. And there were places in my life where I was already running I couldn't get any more education than I had gotten as a doctoral degree holder. That's it, but the terminal degree, yeah, but that little girl who was still wondering if she was enough? Well, if she could be good enough for the people in her life or or new people, she was still at the start, starting line, waiting to hear the gun, is that you find you can finally run now and so. So work is important.

Leaha Crawford 6:37
So when you release her, because you released her, how was that feeling? What was that feeling when you could Oh,

Dr. Tiffany Tyler-Garner 6:44
my goodness, when I tell you that there is a level of peace that comes with self forgiveness, as in, I finally forgive myself for only knowing what I knew, doing what I knew to do, and doing my best, as opposed to lamenting and ruminating about not knowing anymore, not being any different and not having any other resources than I had at the time. And so to get to a place where I'm like, I'm okay with my best effort in any moment, as opposed to wondering all the time, how I could be different or better or enough for somebody else, the freedom that comes with that, like, Hey, it's me. This is what you get. This is what you get. But now I get to have all of me, not just my criticisms or suggestions for how I get better. I also get to get things like, oh I can write, or oh I love to cook, or oh I'm really compassionate, or I'm a good friend, I'm a great wife, I'm the kind of mother that made it happen no matter what was happening for us economically, they lived, which is a different perspective. That's a shift, that's

Leaha Crawford 8:01
a shift, that's a shift. All right, you are listening to growth and grace. I am Leah Crawford. This is Julian ro and we have Dr Tiffany Tyler Garner on here, just talking about her journey to the book. You can purchase the book on Barnes and Noble. It's an audible as well, Kindle,

Dr. Tiffany Tyler-Garner 8:24
Kindle, Amazon, Amazon. And also with my publisher, she rises studios. She

Leaha Crawford 8:31
rises studios. And what I love about the book is out. You know, I'm one of those. I just thumb through and open up a pages, and the first page is out. The first page I opened up was when, and I was just like, Okay, well, that's okay. I love it. And with this book, I'm loving that after each chapter, there's a question

there you can write, yeah, you can write in a book that's

Dr. Tiffany Tyler-Garner 8:55
for me. The book is about sharing my journey in hopes that others will really unpack theirs, and if they do nothing else, make a commitment to themselves, even if it's just one commitment, the

Julian Rosado 9:07
suction that stuck out on me when I was looking at it was getting unstuck. So like, No, I'm speaking for like, other entrepreneurs or even people like in families or people have nine to fives when you feel like you hit that plateau. How can you get unstuck to reach that next level? One

Dr. Tiffany Tyler-Garner 9:31
of the most profound things that came out of that lesson for me was that I was feeling stuck because I was sticking to a particular approach, perspective, or nine mindset, feel comfortable, and so yeah, and so what? It's not even just complacency. Sometimes we are stuck because we have been unwilling to see it from another angle, or to accept the reality of what we are. Facing or to try another thing. So imagine staring at the trunk of the elephant and never pivoting to say, Could I tackle this if I grab the leg or the tail in so many respects, sometimes we will hold on to what we've known or what others tell us we have to do, and sometimes even live down to the low aspirations of others, like no the ceiling is here, and so sometimes it's a matter of even looking up to get unstuck, or looking away of at what happened to face on what you can still make happen as a part of it, so that unstuck is really about for me, ruling out that there aren't things that I'm sticking to that have me in the same place or with the same situation. And what's powerful about that is that if I can center the things that I can do about it, then I can move it so I may not be able to control what's happening in economy, but I can control what other strategies I'm going to employ to grow my business. Right? I can decide to do a new partnership, even if the bank isn't showing up in time like I'm hoping they will, yeah, and so this notion of getting unstuck by unpacking what I might be sticking to and opening myself to the possibility of other things or other strategies, puts my ability to change my life in my hands, as opposed to feeling stuck because I'm waiting for someone else or Something else, to decide for me, how do

Julian Rosado 11:42
you prepare somebody for that? Because that's just, you know, have somebody read that it's different from, you know, I'm sure, you know, that takes, that takes at least a few times for somebody actually grasp that, you know, yeah,

Dr. Tiffany Tyler-Garner 11:56
well, I can tell you that I just began that journey last year, and I wish someone had said hey before you, before you marry, make sure you're not choosing based on who your grandfather was to your grandmother, which I did. Or Hey, before you start the business, make sure you're not taking advice for someone that doesn't have one or never has one, as they talk about the possibilities for you, or if you have a good idea or a service that someone will pay for? Yeah,

Julian Rosado 12:25
I don't know. I don't know if this true, but a friend of mine said we end up marrying someone who resembles our parents. So it can be and so, like, I do kind of remember, like, one of my my ex, she did kind of, like, do things in a matter of my, my mom,

Leaha Crawford 12:52
well, a lot of times, but imagine the person that has no parent in their life. Yeah, right. So they don't have that model, yeah. What do they do? Because they still get married, yeah, right, yeah. So it's one of those things where we hear things, we get stuck to it, because you'll be shocked at what plays in your mind. Well, I'm not saying anything this time, I promise.

Dr. Tiffany Tyler-Garner 13:17
What do you do that? Even, even that, as someone who had an absent father, and so I didn't have a model to choose from. I chose from some other places, like choosing people who are emotionally absent or not present. And when I finally met someone that would be present, even being confused about why he would stay like you're not supposed to be this present. What are you waiting around to hear from me, right? And in other instances, choosing the fairy tale. So there I am waiting for what I've seen on TV to happen. And it's like, did you? Did you know that Prince Charming only exists in his book, and that the person that's going to be your prince, you need to be prepared for the fact that he may not even ride up on a horse. You may need to take turns feeding the horse. He may run into battle and be unclear about the strategy. So y'all might even have to strategize together, because that's what partnership is. And so even being mindful of in our daily lives, where are we choosing from? And so that we're choosing in ways that serve us and meet our needs, and not ways that perpetuate the narrative, or the family story or your origin story, in some ways, if that makes sense. And so like, uh, hearing some things like, Oh, you better have some mad money. Now that I'm in partnership, I need to have some money that's working for both of us, not just money sitting somewhere that's not compounding, right? And so even the notion of making sure that you are clear wherever, wherever you choose to. From, at least be clear about where and why and checking in to make sure that it's working for you in the ways that you hope. Do you know anything to

Julian Rosado 15:11
at least rectify the feeling, well, at least the statistic that, um, I think it was like one out of three marriages and then divorce or I think it's Yeah. I think it is 103 or no, they don't last past five years. That's yeah. That's what it is. Do you have anything? Because I know I could speak for myself, like we've I felt like we hit like a plateau, like I've heard every story that she said she heard every story that I said, you know, we just, you just become friends. You feel like you just become good friends. Do you have anything to say? Like, hey, we have to restart. You know, we're in this photo for the long haul.

Dr. Tiffany Tyler-Garner 15:59
I have had the gift and challenge of being married more than one time. And I can tell you, not until this last marriage did I even know who the Tiffany was that had chose to partner with somebody else. Okay, yeah. And so I want to say, so,

Leaha Crawford 16:16
okay, I like that so, so back it up. Back it up. So you're talking about something. If you don't know who you are, how you doing that? Yeah,

Dr. Tiffany Tyler-Garner 16:23
if you don't know who you are, and you are looking for a fit, anything can fit, and you finding out by chance, the quality of the fit. So there you are literally in a trial and error process around who is a partner for me, and you don't even know who you are. And so the young woman that married at 20 and and had two kids by 23 probably would not have and did not need to choose the husband that she chose at that time if I was operating from this place. And so it was inevitable that we were going to discover some things right, like the ways in which it didn't work because I didn't the Tiffany I am. Now it's not even that Tiffany. I also had to adjust my expectations about what marriage and partnership is. So this notion that it's a 24 hour, 365 days a week, forever skipped through the park, huh? And picnic baskets when we as individuals and as households are facing real challenges, is very unrealistic.

Leaha Crawford 17:39
Well, let me ask you this, though, because you are a married woman, because I have never been married for that reason. I was like, yeah, no, that's but now that I even think about it, or consider it, it's like, Yo, we're gonna go through stuff, but that place needs to be peaceful. That's the one place that my house is peaceful. And I think that's what always my house has to be peaceful, yeah, so think about what that is for you. Oh, it's a lot this. I mean, I like to laugh, I like to joke, I like to have a good time. We can not to say everything is I mean, there gonna be some hard conversations, but we gonna work. Let's use our words, pick them wisely. And what does that look like? Because even with, I mean, with my I had children, no, it's tough raising children all this stuff, right, you know, right, yeah, but me and my, we vowed, look, we can talk about anything. We might not always agree, but let's talk, and let's, let's work it out. Let's, let's use our words, you know. And my kids are kind of, no, they kind of, they kind of cool. Both of them, yeah, they are they are they kind of cool? Yeah, they're kind of cool. And we have hard conversations. But how do you get through those hard conversations? What if the person isn't doing the work on themselves? Then what? I guess you chose the wrong partner. Because I hear that a lot too, like one partner is growing and the other partner is not, yeah. I

Dr. Tiffany Tyler-Garner 19:09
think I am learning that we don't get to dictate other people's timeline for their growth, and if we go into it knowing that, then I can weather you being wherever you are in your process, especially if I'm owning mine. And so this notion that once we decide on partnership, it means everything needs to be alike and at the same pace and in the same ways, despite the fact that we come from, yeah, that is an unreasonable expectation. And if it was a case that it was a line, then who's helping him when we hit the rough patch? So if we depressed at the same time, don't worry if we we only the both of us are resting at exactly the same time, like. Think about the the fact that we need to go beyond just being in alignment to ex acknowledging that partnerships includes being a compliment for each other. Got it and so we're not going to be this. We're not going to see it the same way. We're not going to be in a growth spurt at the same time. Sometimes it will. But if I can make the commitment that I'm in it for the long haul that that for me, partnership is, we'll we'll both get to where we need to be because we're committed to understanding ourselves and supporting the other person, person, I think we can weather a lot more, and I haven't always been at that place got it like in my first marriage, especially having the pressure of raising sons, the criteria was a little different. Now that I am financially independent in some respects and have new tools, I probably see some things differently, financially independent,

Julian Rosado 21:04
yeah, for the mindset that when you get into a relationship, you shouldn't be with somebody who, who makes you happy, should be with somebody who can add to it. And, yeah, that's

Leaha Crawford 21:18
two different things too. Somebody, yeah, that's, that's, that's heavy, yeah, yeah, making you heavy, making making you happy, yeah? Or adding to it,

Julian Rosado 21:27
yeah, yeah. They saying that they shouldn't make you happy. No, you should be happy on your own. Yeah? They, they should just add to your happiness.

Dr. Tiffany Tyler-Garner 21:37
And I want, I want to encourage you to take that step, take that a step further and ask if I'm in a position where I'm always allowing folks to make me something. Am I really in the driver's seat of my own life? Yeah. And so if you get to decide when I'm happy or when I'm frustrated or when I'm angry, do I ever fully realize my even my own potential, yeah, or the impact that I'm supposed to have in the world, if I'm literally waiting on someone else or something external to me to decide where I'm going to be at, should people be able to set your emotional thermostat every day? Yeah? Should they be able to troll, control the climate for you? Yeah, hmm,

Leaha Crawford 22:29
want to grow on I'm looking, I'm looking, I'm waiting, I'm waiting to see if you got a follow up to that follow up. Thought it

Julian Rosado 22:35
is tough, though. I mean, like, if you deal with a coworker, and like, I have a employee when doing employee, and he's just, she's always like, something that is just not fulfilling his work duty. And it's just, you really want to tell him, you know, okay, well, it's not working out, but you really enjoy his work. So it's just that line that you have to play with, you know, as a speaking more as a as a founder, and so it's difficult to navigate through your emotion, to hold hold that in, to do you know what I mean.

Dr. Tiffany Tyler-Garner 23:16
I want you to unpack that though, as I as I hear what you were saying and have found myself in those situations. One of the awarenesses that recently came out of it for me was that I was waiting on people to do some work that I wasn't willing to do. And so instead of setting the boundary expectation and holding to my commitment to myself like I need you to deliver. I was allowing myself to be negotiated. And so it's like, oh, but I like him. I just, I just wish he would would change, as opposed to me making the change that I needed. And so I just would encourage you to rule out that you're waiting folks to do the things that you don't have the courage to do yourself. And so if the relationship isn't working, or if you aren't getting the product or the service that you need, have the courage to say, I expect and will demand more for myself. Like, it's almost like I liken it to frustration I had with someone that was consistently not delivering. And I'm like, I would probably, let's say Starbucks, once a month got my order right, and I was going every day. How many times would I allow them to hand me the wrong cup of coffee? Because I had had a really great coffee one time? Probably not so much, but in some ways, we do that in other areas of our life. So I look forward to hearing how you'll feel, but want to encourage you to rule out I keep showing up to this location. Is it the location or me?

Leaha Crawford 24:54
But honestly, when you start talking about that, the self awareness and all, all the things that people talk. About the self awareness, emotional intelligence, yeah. And just all the things, right? And you hear these terms, and I used to hear a lot, I guess early on the work, you got to do the work. Not one time. I just thought, what is the work? Tell me what it is, yeah. And, oh, right, stop. Tell me what the work is, because I'm willing to do it, but what is it? And I realized I had to go get the coach, go get the mentor, go do the stuff. And I had to do, I had I had to do stuff that was the work, because I thought it was getting up, going to work every day. No, it wasn't that you had to do the work.

Dr. Tiffany Tyler-Garner 25:38
And I discovered that there was some work that I was waiting on somebody to tell me about that, that only I could tell my myself, only you can, yeah, only I could decide,

Leaha Crawford 25:49
hey, it's inside job. Yeah, it's an inside job. But when did you I know I know, when I started to hear it? When did you start to hear the inside voice of the work you needed to do.

Dr. Tiffany Tyler-Garner 26:03
You know what I'd probably say all along, especially as I think about what the work was. So those moments when I hesitated or self sabotaged or procrastinated, there was some work for me to do around believing in myself, those moments when it was easier for me to just walk out of the relationship instead of stay was work, because I had not developed the skills to manage it so that I could we get an agreement ended, I was in this fight or flight mode in multiple areas in my life, and didn't make the connection that each of those instances, if I'm finding myself in a place where I feel like I gotta fight or flight or flee, there's some work there, because nobody should be able to run me off, and I shouldn't spend my life feeling like I got a fight everywhere. So those instances are work. That's That's for my therapist

Julian Rosado 27:06
said that we are in constant negotiations with ourselves. And she said, I don't know how much this is true. I didn't have a time to combat her on that, she said when we were even when we're young. She said, we always, we always are constantly combating with ourselves. We had a like, a choice to do right or wrong, and then we always choose, like the wrong because they make us feel better, or this is good, or whatever. And then we convince ourselves and say, like, Oh, it's okay, oh, it's all right. And then not knowing we carry this on year after year after year after year as we get older and and while I was talking to her, I was realizing, like, huh, yeah, you're right. I was like, I think you're right. And then she said, yeah, it happens on a larger level. It doesn't matter what field you get into, whatever, and you're noticing that you know you're you could be doing something better each and every day, but you convince yourself and say, like, Well, no, I'll do this later. Or I'll hit the gym later, or I'll eat this. You know, I know this is good for me. I'll eat that. I'll eat that meal later on, or I'll read this book. I'll read it later on. You know when your subconscious self is telling you do this, do this, do do this, yeah,

Dr. Tiffany Tyler-Garner 28:32
yeah. And that assumption that there will always be a later, always. In recent years, I'm learning sometimes it's not

Leaha Crawford 28:40
later, yeah, it's not later, yeah. Well, Dr, dr, garner the journey inward. The journey inward, four seasons of reflection for deep healing and transformation. And again, you can get it on Barnes and Noble, www, she rises, studios, backslash, Tiffany. Dr, Tiffany Tyler, all right, I always say Google, because y'all know I'm a Googler, and when you google her name, everything will come up. Dr, Tiffany Tyler Garner Well, thank you. First of all, thank you for accepting my invitations. Of course. Show

Julian Rosado 29:20
you have a radio voice. She does, yeah, she does. We

Leaha Crawford 29:24
gotta bring tiff back radio. We gotta bring tiff back. Gotta bring tiff back soon.

Dr. Tiffany Tyler-Garner 29:29
Aliante library, at 11am

Leaha Crawford 29:32
11am that works. At 11am you can go see Dr Tyler at Aliante library. Okay, okay, remember, growth is a process. Grace is what you give yourself, live love and have an amazing Memorial Day weekend. Thank you. Bye. You.